I dreamt this morning about an ex-friend. Let’s call her “Deb”. We were friends for many years, she made me crazy, and finally after the last straw of the last straw and the broken backs of many camels, I finally said “farewell” – and I finally had a life where I wasn’t perpetually put out by her dramas. My life is infinitely better.
“Farewell” is goodbye, but it’s a goodbye with good wishes. I’m not sticking pins in a Deb voodoo doll. I honestly wish her well, but it took me a long time to give myself permission to quit hanging out with someone who made me feel awful.
Each farewell, even a temporary farewell, rips me apart and permanent goodbyes are devastating. I try to hide this from people because it just makes them feel bad, or it gives them a power to hurt me, but it’s true – and since we all have the ability to create the situations we most fear, I’ve said goodbye a lot throughout my life. I don’t know which farewell prompted this poem…
My face is wet with tears
And my chest is clenched with pain
Old sadness has come to visit
With me, yes, again.
This all sounds rather depressing, but the flip side of it is that if we have the power to bring what we most fear, we also have the power to get the things we most want. If we face our fears we can live our dreams.
I recently acquired a houseguest. I don’t know how long he’s staying. What I do know is that my quiet, singular life has been disrupted by Sanford and Son repeats, philosophical conversations, and dirty coffee cups – and I find that I don’t really mind, and more, that I enjoy having him around. I also find myself contemplating my tub with a deep suspicion that there are invisible dead skin cells lurking in it, and remembering past fights from many years ago that might presage future fights – and having enough personal insight to recognize that I might be looking to pick a fight so I can control how this comfortable living arrangement ends.
Which makes me think I need to confront my issues with farewells. Farewells aren’t always goodbyes, and maybe it’s time to consider opening my heart again? If I find myself with another friend like “Deb” or a lover like my ex, I’ve proven I can say “farewell” without the world ending. I don’t have to put up with people who make me unhappy, and I don’t have to pick a fight to avoid rejection.
I signed up for online dating years ago. I hadn’t really thought about that much because it was just something I tried back when and I’m too busy working now to think about dating… WAIT!! I’m working for Religion now, and what did I say in that online profile?? I tore through my old papers looking for login info and revised some things. I wonder how the “safer” profile contradicts my intention of being open?
Hey, well, maybe I’ll try to be somewhat more open in the future?