"Disguise"

I read about American Indians scouting pioneers' camps.  They'd dress like animals and work themselves into some kind of different mentality and become the animals.  The pioneers saw the Indians as animals, the Indians learned about what the pioneers were doing, and the Indians won a lot of battles.

Reading this when I was a kid made me think.  I decided Indians didn't really turn into animals, they just became persuasive in some way to trick the pioneers' thinking.  I was pondering this hard in front of a brick wall at school and decided if Indians could be animals, I could be brick.

People walked past me without seeing me.  A couple of people kind of hitched their step near me and looked confused for a second, but nobody seemed to the skinny kid, even when they barely missed walking right into me.  I was pleased with my success.  I became a tree, greenly translucent as the river, and blended with flowers in the garden. 

I was hiding in the neighbor's blueberry bushes when I really thought I'd get caught by the old Nazi.  He could smell me or something, but he couldn't find me.  He kept pacing in front of me, trying to figure out what was out of place in his world, but he couldn't see me even though I had barely enough time to hide when he came to the blueberry patch.  One of my very white, bare legs was in plain sight, but he couldn't see it while I examined his big, cracked leather shoes which were inches from my face.

Breathe quiet... He did another round of the blueberry bushes and stood in front of me again.  I am grass... I am green leaves... I am an Indian in the enemy camp...  My magic is stronger than yours.

It was a powerful moment for me, and extremely liberating.  I practiced at home in the living room.  One night Dad asked, "Where's Linda?" and I raised my hand in front of him.  "She hasn't been home much lately."  Oh, I forgot to turn off my magic.  I made myself visible again and waved my hand in front of him again.  "Were you there all along?"  "Yes."  Dad kind of shook his head and pondered me for a while.  "I've been practicing being invisible like the Indians."  Dad looked kind of troubled, but he didn't make me explain too much.  "Fey."

Well, yeah, I've always been pretty fey.  Fairy-like and magical.  Sounds kind of cool, but it makes people uncomfortable.

I have to admit I still hide in view, sometimes willing people not to notice me when I'm working in my office because I need quiet time to work.  But really, I think we all do it in one way or another because everybody is putting on false faces to get the responses from people that they want.  We dress the part for work, or a date, or to hang with friends.  This is the face I want you to see, and then that's what people do see.  It's even what we start to see when we look at ourselves because we forgot we're all living in disguise.

"Disguise"

I was minding my own business, just sitting at my computer doing the usual things when I became aware that the bottom line of my email was wavering and burning my retinas. With a quick expletive, I rapidly turned off the computer monitor, grabbed my required supplies, and ran to the couch, ramming on my sunglasses in transit. Penny happily hopped onto the couch with me and nestled against me with her happily concerned expression. She likes couch time, but can still work up a little bit of sympathy for my miseries.

No tv, no music, no computer. The technological world has ended.

The next step was to assess the actual damage. What parts of me hurt, and how badly? Would it pass, or did I need to contemplate my pharmacopoeia? I watched the pretty neon colors passing in front of my closed eyes and wondered if there was any meaning to the geometric designs flashing by. Sometimes I think the colors are the 1’s and 0’s of my internal computer system breaking down or rebooting. I’ll spare you the more unpleasant details of my misery. I rammed my thumbs into the back of my skull and hoped for the efficacy of pressure points.

That’s a migraine. That’s a light one to tell the truth. The really miserable ones are the same but worse, and often include the evil gremlin who sneaks up behind me with a blunt axe or gets in my face with a sharp ice pick. I hate that gremlin. I’m going to throttle him if I can ever catch him.

Illustration Friday’s word of the week is “disguise”, and while I made this art the other day just to record my demons, “disguise” seems kind of apt to me. Migraines can obliterate my ability to see the world, which is a much more effective disguise than someone wearing an eye patch and a pirate hat. In another way, sometimes I think migraines are my system’s way of shutting down so I can look internally instead of externally. How real are any of the things we see in our over bright world? Everyone wears their masks and we neglect to think about that until we’re reduced to throbbing blood vessels and exposed nerves.

I had been doing pretty well with migraines lately. Someone recommended taking magnesium several months back, and while I wasn’t sure if it was helping or not, I’ve been taking it until I recently ran out. I thought living without magnesium might let me know if they were actually helping or not. The answer? YES!!! Magnesium helps!!! I now have a full bottle and am resisting the temptation to swallow half of them in an attempt to rebuild a curative level in my system.

The text on migraine information in this piece is from Women's Health.