"Talk"

My year-end index is a mental review.  What did we talk about?  What mattered?  What can I learn from it, and how to move forward?  I've reread the posts and some old journals too because there are things I want to release.  I don't want to carry old anger and disappointments into the new year.

I discovered in my journals that I was sick all the time when I was married.  I had a breast infection for 2 years that wouldn't heal plus other ailments and infections, some requiring surgery.  Of course my husband thought I was entirely at fault for falling apart and had a lot of demands for fixing me.  "What I need...", I said to my doctor.  "What you need is a DIVORCE!" Doc said before sending me to the hospital in an ambulance.  He was right.  I got healthy in an amazingly short time after I followed his advice and haven't had those kinds of medical problems since.

I read my journals to see if I've neglected to purge any of my ex's negativity.  He often said "I can't make you feel anything", and it was "just words" anyway.  But his insidious words crept into my psyche and kept hurting long after, because the really sick part of people like this is they get you to do all that re-wounding to yourself.  They plant doubts and criticisms we replay in our minds.  I felt powerless to defend myself.  I didn't have a place to go.  Remembering all this makes 2016 look somewhat better, and it was a sucky year.

I want to let it go.  New years are new beginnings, even if the date is arbitrary.  The challenge is that it doesn't take much effort to say something nasty.  It's harder for the recipient to release it.  You can't do that until you're ready, and you can't talk yourself into being ready.  You have to feel it, but until you do, hanging onto your pain slowly kills you and your achievements.

Human relations are messy and necessary, but toxic relationships are just destructive with a bit of frosting on top to keep you in the game.  I stumbled across more verbal abuse by an ex-boss in my journals, and thought of other hurtful people I've known.  It's a shared experience we don't talk about enough, but I doubt we talk much about things that really matter.  Smile and suffer quietly so you don't disturb others, but that kind of advice protects abusers and doesn't give us tools to actually achieve happiness.

All of us are responsible for what we say, and that includes what we replay in our minds.  Be nicer to yourself.

I want to say optimistic things for the new year, and talking about negativity seems, uh, negative?  But I'm trying to say something hopeful.  All of us can talk in helpful ways to others.  We don't have to carry the past in ways that hurt us.  We learn, we grow, we discover our happiness through our intentions to do so.  It's the best New Year's resolution I can come up with at any rate.  What's yours?

Wishing you happiness, achievements, peace, and plenty in the New Year!