In 2nd grade, the teacher asked us the proper method for
brushing our teeth. Hands shot into the
air and she picked X, who proudly demonstrated little circles. Wrong!
I knew the proper answer of brushing from the gum to the end of the
tooth, but I didn't put my hand up. I
almost never did. I got picked as
default too often as it was.
X had perfect little teeth.
The plaid pocket of his perfectly pressed shirt matched the shirt
pattern exactly, his perfectly shined shoes complementing his pressed
pants. His hair was cut professionally
and always combed neatly. I hated
him. This was made harder by the fact
that he was smart, polite, eager to help, and just terribly nice. I kept my bad feelings to myself and we
often played together pleasantly on the playground.
I was ashamed of myself.
Even at 6 years old, I knew I was wrong and probably going to hell. I glared at my girl scout uniform with 100
buttons and ironed it hatefully, knowing boys didn't have as many buttons and
X's mom did all of his ironing (with starch!).
Life was unfair, and X symbolized every unfairness.
He's had a nice life.
Of course he has. That's why I
put so much energy into hating him. He
started with everything to ensure that kind of success -- which I honestly don't
begrudge him. Nice people should have
nice lives.
A few years ago, a child confessed her jealousies to
me. I was all adult and sympathetic and
gave her my best advice to improve her situation with her peers and within her
mind. Afterwards, I felt like laughing
at my own childhood jealousy. It all
seemed so important at the time, but it really wasn't. Whatever X had or has in his life has
nothing to do with my path in life, and jealousy is such a waste of energy.
I wish I had better teeth, but wishing for that doesn't mean
cavities in X's teeth would my life better.
Another friend lost all her teeth.
That doesn't make my life any better either.
We live in a world that keeps telling us to look at what
other people have instead of looking within.
The underlying message is that we should be envious enough to get
whatever they've got. The overt message
we get is that jealousy is an ugly emotion and we should all stuff that inside
so we don't make anyone else uncomfortable.
Either way, the message in our society is to focus on other people to
achieve our own happiness. You know
that's never going to work.
We've all felt jealousy, and once in a while I still get a
hot stab of it about something. I'll
never claim that I've mastered everything with a higher intent. I try to do the best with what I have and
find my happiness within my abilities to gain it. I wish all of us that kind of cavity-free happiness, especially
all the children who face feelings for the first time.
Sometimes I think the secret to happiness is simply choosing
to be happy, or just finding contentment wherever you are.
