Sometimes I see a word for the week and think “I know just what to do for that one!” – and then my mind won’t cooperate. I saw “tail” and I thought about white tailed deer nearly going extinct around 1900. Canadian geese were almost extinct then too, but both species made it back from the brink with flying colors. It’s hard to find a place in Ohio where you can’t step in green goose poop now and deer are in everybody’s back yard eating gardens and trees. I made a peacock tail feather in marker, photo, and ImageReady even though it has nothing to do with anything I’ve been thinking about and isn’t really a program that I like working in. It's like I'm punishing myself through art.
I try to write about happy things, but sometimes life interferes. Ranting about it doesn't do anybody any good, including me – but it also doesn’t do me any good when someone says “just get over it!”. Maybe stewing is the best possible thing to do when faced with insoluble problems? Perhaps stewing helps me discover new solutions?
In a nutshell… I had a job quite a while ago where I was abused in a multitude of ways by multiple people. After years of trying to put that behind me, I saw one of those people a couple months ago, and then another this weekend. These sightings brought up old feelings. My jaw is clenched, and I can’t just will myself to unclench it because as soon as I put it out of my mind my jaw is tight again. Just wishing away feelings doesn’t make them go away. I can’t trick myself out of thinking about it. I’ll dream about it. I’ll draw peacocks instead of deer.
My friend runs a hypnosis school. In one of his lessons he said, “Go back to the first time you felt something. See that first situation in a new way, and all the following instances that made you feel like that will fall down like a line of dominoes.” I was a test subject for his class, and they took me back to a moment I never would’ve thought still existed in my memories. It was liberating. I’m searching for another liberating moment because I don’t want to waste any more of my life thinking about crappy people from the past.
In a way, all we are is our memories. Past events made us who we are now. I’ve had wonderful bosses and horrible bosses. They all taught me, even if some of those lessons only seem to cause hurt when I think of them. All we can do is take the best out of every situation we live, but I really do wish I could figure out how to “just let it go” when I think of the crappy moments.
Sometimes I think I have everything I need to live my life. Whatever talent and assets I’ve been given helps me deal with the situations I need to face. I think that’s true for all of us. We get different positives to deal with our different negatives. We just need to trust that it all balances in the final count.
I took a walk with my brother this summer. The deer are so plentiful and tame they barely care about me taking pictures. Since the light was fading, they aren’t the best photos, but it was a pleasant time in the park. Score one positive when I’m thinking of negatives.
What do you do when you are faced with a ghost from the past and bad memories?
