Last week I told you about fixing a door in my house. I was feeling pretty pleased with
myself. I don't think anyone will
notice that it was ever mutilated by Dalmatian toes. It took a lot of effort to prime and paint the door. I leaned back and admired my efforts... and
noticed that the ceiling looked awfully dingy next to my stark white door.
I hemmed and hawed most of the week about not wanting to get
into more projects because I have a new canvas I really want to paint... but
that dingy ceiling interfered with my happiness. Plus, this is the room where I painted the floor last summer and
I might have been a bit too enthusiastic and splashed colors on the walls. I'd just repaint the walls, but if I were to
do that, I'd have to do the ceiling first...
My house is a currently a mess again. I had it clean for about a day, but now
stuff is spread all over again. My goal
is to get it all finished this weekend and have a normal house again by Monday,
but the weather is finally wonderful and the grass needs cut, there's a concert
in Cleveland...
And yet, the woodwork in my nearly 100 yr. old house has been
dinged through the years, and fixing the woodwork feels connected to my
internal being. It feels essential.
I've done a lot a lot a lot of thinking in the last
year. That was my intention when I
decided to paint the floor. I wanted a
long, involved project that would encourage thoughts and meditation. I've done a lot of reading, studying, and
reviewing my life and relationships. I
came to understand that I put up with too much from some people and situations,
and putting up with dinged woodwork has become symbolic. It's time my outer environment matches my enhanced
inner world.
Very little of the damage to the woodwork was my fault. People moved in and out, and none were
careful enough in the process. They
didn't care about my house or feelings.
When I see a chunk gouged out of a door frame I think "You selfish
bastard! You didn't deserve my love,
care, shelter _____ (fill in the blank).
Or, "I deserve better!"
I could continue ignoring these things like I have for a long
time, but every so often I'll notice damage and feel something between
irritation, depression, and anger. It's
a constant reminder of negatives. When
the woodwork is repaired to the best of my ability it will be a reminder that I
control my life, and the next phase will be better. I've learned things to make that happen.
I often write messages that we control our lives and can
improve our lives. It takes
effort. The effort is worth it.
My dad took a humanities class at a community college when I
was a kid. He carved this sculpture for
an assignment to represent his "inner self". I wish I'd asked what he was thinking when
he did it. He smiled with satisfaction
and an inner conversation when he looked at it. Maybe that is the ultimate goal for everything in our lives?
I thought you'd rather look at his artistry this week
instead of wood mouldings and flat green walls :)
