"Sound"

I've been working on my throat chakra which is associated with verbal expression, speaking our truth.  To clear our throats, we're to speak, shout, hum... sing.

I damaged my singing voice years ago, yelling at an unruly kid when I was substitute teaching.  Something tore inside.  Recently, a singer on tv described a similar injury.  She exercised her throat, starting gently and working her way up to full throttle.  I thought, "I can do that!"  So, I've been singing.  It hasn't been perfect, but it's getting better.  My dog looks less worried anyway.

From the musical Grease, I softly sang Rizzo's flirtations, but I belted out the last verse with full volume and accuracy.

I could hurt someone like me, out of spite or jealousy... I can feel and I can cry, a fact I'll bet you never knew, but to cry in front of you, that's the worst thing I could do.

I can do Cat Stevens' "Father and Son" pretty well too.  Apparently I sing feelings.

All the times that I've cried, keeping all the things I knew inside.  It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.  If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them they know not me.  Now there's a way, and I know that I have to go away.

No doubt my throat chakra is messed up because I kept my mouth shut working for The Church, where intelligent, informed women aren't appreciated.  To prove this, they hired a completely incompetent man and demanded I teach Skippy how to do said job.  Perhaps you know me well enough by now to guess how I reacted?  They tossed in bullying and sexual harassment just to make sure I got the full Catholic experience.

Before you ask, they're allowed to bully employees.  While Skippy is younger than me, he's over 40 so the age discrimination rights are weak.  While multiple lawyers told me I have a case for the sexual harassment (which I documented and reported), they said the Catholic church is a well-oiled, armored machine to combat lawsuits.  (Ex. decades of unprosecuted pedophilia cases.)  AND, they're exempt from paying Unemployment benefits.  I've thought of clearing my throat chakra by screaming.

The top priest said he'd write me a letter of recommendation because I'm a conscientious worker.  "We're just going in a different direction" -- which is the opposite of the BS they promised when they hired Skippy.  In case you didn't know, priests lie.  A lot.

You may have noticed there was some time I skipped blogging in 2016.  Now you know why.  I hung onto the job for a while during and after this blackout, but I wasn't ready to talk about it through the limping, conflicted end.  I also really didn't want to blast everyone with my rage -- especially when all of this too neatly coincided with Trump and his followers' sexism.  2016 sucked.  Yay for 2017?  Oh, right, Trump won.  Fffff...

Onto the future.  My liberation may work in the convoluted way of the universe?  I'm looking forward to creative projects truer to my nature and beliefs.  The lawyers say I can talk about The Church as much as I'd like as long as it's true.  OMG that's a lot of material to work with!  It's the prize for allowing myself to be stifled for a paycheck.  I have a scathing book idea :)

In a nutshell, it sucks, I'm glad to be free of it, I have enough savings to get by for while as I figure out what to do with myself, and I partly wonder if I brought this on myself by envying my college pal's free and creative lifestyle?  Ask and you shall receive -- but be careful what you wish for!

I did this art my first year of blogging in 2010.  It seems like a long time ago, but also kind of like hitting restart in more ways than one.

"Work"

Bro4 was out of work several years ago and slowly taking on every attribute of the couch.  The remote control melted into his hand, and his depression was a black fog staining the walls and shortening the life span of anyone who breathed it very long.

"Get a job!"

"Nobody's hiring."

That conversation went around in circles.  I snapped "There's more than one reason to have a job!"  It's grounding, gives you a reason to brush your teeth and get dressed.  It's a place to go every day and be social with others.  You can do something useful and feel accomplishment...

To be honest, I don't really remember which gems of wisdom I spit out in frustration, but I can be really eloquent when I lose it.  Wish I could remember all of it and could be that eloquent without the emotions.  Also wish I'd follow my own advice when I've melted in the couch.  I know about the importance of work because I've been laid off too.

This morning one of my ladies listed why I like my job.  I love my ladies, close to home, use my writing and design skills, use my mind.  Thanks for the reminder and a voice of sanity!  (Especially important since we're still in the process of office moving.)

Anyway, Bro took the lesson to heart and got himself a job.  He was better for it because in the end he agreed with me; he likes to work and likes accomplishing things.

I've thought about this conversation through the years because I've been laid off a time or two since then.  It's hard to think about the other rewards of employment when you can't pay the bills, but once you have a job it's easy to get mired in the situation and forget about those other things that make work important.

It doesn't have to be a job with a paycheck, but we need to do something to feel fulfilled.  One of my volunteers asked for a raise a while ago.  "Sure!  We love you and will give you anything you want.  50% raise for you!"  Which of course made everyone laugh because 50% of 0 is still 0, but we do love and appreciate her.  That's the important thing.

I currently work around a lot of older people.  Many can't get around very well, but they're involved and contribute.  They do what they want and what they can.  It makes me very aware how long people actually live and how important their contributions can be.  I really want to keep this in mind when I'm their age.

I'll always work in some way, but I hope at some point my "work" is stuff I choose like painting my floor, saving trees, baking pies for orphans, or something.  No matter what your abilities, there's always work worth doing -- and you will be better off for doing it.

This spider posed in the bathroom for a couple of days.  I was concerned Bro2 would evict it, but he asked "Why would I get rid of it?"  Clearly, we're from the same pod.  I wonder if anyone will try to kill the painted version when they come to visit, or if other spiders will run away or try to mate with it.  I'll admit I got creeped out after printing full-page reference of it, but generally, I get along with them as long as they eat the bugs I don't like.  Besides, my spider is only 1 1/2" long instead of filling a full piece of paper.  My camera doesn't like taking pictures of my floor, especially details.  Sorry things are a little blurry.

Completely unrelated, but connected to last week's word "people", I went to a slip and slide kickball party last weekend.  It was hosted by my nephew and his wife at the house where I grew up and where Bro3 currently lives.  No, I'm not stupid enough to actually play, but I had fun watching.

Big ball for the game because this certainly wasn't about athletic skill

Hostess makes first base!

Cheerleaders

Host makes second base!

Great nephew and his girlfriends, playing games of their own choosing

And then there's this last photo of my great niece in the apple tree where I spent quite a bit of my childhood escaping things.  The party was a bit rowdy for her and she went up the tree, just like I would've done.  Stretching out on a branch I used to stretch out on.  She's an absolutely adorable child, beautiful in both appearance and personality.  The sun came through the trees just right and all she needs is to unfurl her fairy wings.

"Universe"

"D'ja see where they found a dinosaur bigger than a blue whale?  So now a blue whale isn't the largest animal in the universe anymore, but since Neil deGrasse Tyson wrecked science* I don't believe in evolution anymore."  I laughed and told my brother I was going to quote him.

Sometimes I write and feel magic channeled through my fingertips.  This is not one of those days.  I'm struggling with universal issues and questions... people are difficult, work takes up too much of my time, what am I going to do with the rest of my life, why am I here, how much time do I have left, do I matter in the universe?

I had some near death experiences (NDEs) when I was young, Dad died, and other people I knew died.  When we experience things like that we start asking those universal questions early and urgently.  Time is short.  Do what matters NOW.

But then, I was young.  I didn't have the endurance to keep that kind of urgency all the time.  Sometimes cuddling for an entire day is the best possible thing to do even if there isn't anything to show for it afterwards, but maybe those NDEs enforced my feeling that I better appreciate cuddling to the max if that's how I spend one of my numbered days.

I work around a lot of old people now.  They keep commenting on how young I am, bless their hearts :)  When the person commenting is 80-something with hips, knees, and heart valve replaced I suppose I do look pretty young.  Which makes me feel like I better get out there and DO something because the time is running out.  Climb a mountain, paint the masterpiece, write the novel, fulfill my destiny!

I don't want to spend my entire life working and thinking about work.  I'm young enough to go out and do stuff... yet my life seems to point to a long record of workaholism and sloth, either/or but never balanced, and never enough $ in the bank from the profits I've given others.  I want balance, but have a hard time if things aren't done "right" or well.

While trying to write something worthwhile in this post I kept thinking about the ample knowledge I'd like to share, which some people don't want to learn.  Here's my artistic tip for the week... when designing something, have a reason for whatever you include in it.  Don't just fill up space.  When you take extra effort to do something better, people respond.  For example, if you do a fall scene, don't paint tulips in the garden because they're easier than mums.  Everybody will say "Gee, that's stupid.  Tulips bloom in spring!"  What's worse is that it'll be the first and last thing they notice about it too.

I have a lot of wisdom like that.  Now somebody might be upset with me because tulips was an actual example this week (in a different context).  At least I don't have a tulip-induced migraine this time :)

I had more little wooden veneer squares left over from the work project and then left over from last week's recipe boxes.  Bro had a table with a wrecked top but now it's all pretty and the polyurethane is drying on it out on the back deck.

*Tyson led the movement to demote Pluto to a dwarf planet.

"Power"

I had lunch yesterday with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time. I told him about the things I’ve been doing at work since I took over my office and shared some of my accomplishments. My job is all about numbers, and that’s what will get me recognition and an eventual raise, but what I’m most proud of is the people and my part in spreading a little happiness.

My life changed dramatically when my boss came in on a Monday and died suddenly in the hallway. I abruptly became responsible for a lot of people and a whole lot of money. I told the ladies, “You know your jobs. I expect you to do them. Let me know how I can help.”

This was a radical change for them. It was also radically different when I told them I like to lead by consensus. They were used to the boss issuing orders they had to follow. If asked for their opinions, they stood a pretty fair chance of getting yelled at. I started having weekly meetings. They bring their coffee and laugh a lot. I added a guy, so we aren’t being sexist.

“I want to work in a happy office. If you’re happy, I’m happy.” In an office all about numbers, I don’t think anybody dared to hope for emotional support. Just do your job and shut up, you know?

One woman told me that before I took over, her desk was always neat. Now her desk is covered with paper all the time. I worried she was going to say I was pushing her too hard, but then she popped out with “I love it!” She broke out into the most beautiful smile and my heart did a little flip flop.

I like the people in the office. They go out of their way to say they like me too. This is a far cry from the last office where I worked where I avoided eye contact because I didn’t want to have fights. I had 3 bosses, all making a point of subjugating everyone else. The company folded after I left. It deserved to fail.

I worked with one of those people at a previous job, decades before. He was overpaid, undertalented, and really great at making people at the top believe he deserved power and compensation. That company folded after I left too. Sometimes I wonder how it is that big bosses don’t look at the general misery of the workers and see it as a reflection of how well a person supervises.

Some people think that miserable workers show the strength of the supervisor, but it suppresses ideas. Maybe it’s because I’m an artist, but I think I see the overview of power. If the people in my office feel confident, happy, and constructive, they help me do more, and do more better than if I keep them all oppressed. They offer ideas and take initiative, and I like seeing other people’s creativity bloom.

And yeah, the numbers are holding up too, and I couldn’t have accomplished that without the help of everyone else in the office. It isn’t my success – it’s the success of everyone in the hive. We all made it happen, and they know it. They trust me because I trust them. That’s power.