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Friday, December 16, 2011

"Sink"

I “borrowed” my dad’s new fishing rod once. He was very proud of it. The length of charcoal gray graphite gave him an ecstasy I didn’t really understand, but I took it with a clear understanding that getting caught in my theft might constitute a death sentence. I suppose I was certain that I could return it without him finding out about it. I didn’t count in the thought that he might get off work early that day. I didn’t consider that I could get caught red-handed with it when I was standing in the river, unable to flee to safety.

A fish jerked the rod out of my hands just as I turned to see Dad running down the hill towards me, and I saw a tough older boy running further downstream. “Vince stole your fishing rod!” seemed like the most logical connect-the-dots thing to say at the time. I don’t care if I was a little kid, and lying is a thing little kids do. I knew better. I don’t care that Vince was a rough, bullying kid either. Just because he’d done plenty of other nasty things, he wasn’t guilty of this. I started to feel shame even as the words flew out of my mouth. Vince isn’t his real name. I won’t add to my sins by naming him now.

Dad must’ve known I lied, but he told Vince’s father about the theft. Then Dad walked me past their house while the heavy slash of the belt and screams filled the air amongst the shouted obscenities. That was the way things were back then, which isn’t to say I condone that kind of thing. My remorse was real, but I couldn’t go into their house to say I lied. Vince’s father was a scary man, even without a belt in his hands. Besides, if I confessed, then I’d be the one getting the belt and Vince was already wounded by that time. Thus started a 20+ year penance of shame, guilt, remorse cycle. That cycle got even worse when I was wading in the river and stumbled into the algae covered wreck of Dad’s pride and joy fishing rod. Years of spring floods had only moved it about 10 feet from that fateful last sighting – which understanding the laws of river physics, is damn near impossible, and yet, there it was. It wasn’t even pinned down by a rock. It just laid in the place where it had sunk so many years before. Dad and Vince’s father were both dead by that time, Vince was even bigger and scarier than he was as a kid, and there was no redemption for my sin. Repentance sucks.

Some years after finding the lost rod, I ran into Vince in a fashionable bar. We were both drunk and happy at the time, and I confessed and asked for forgiveness. I suppose it was a selfish act to admit my remorse because I wanted to feel better about it, and my sister later said that was incredibly stupid since Vince still has a hot temper, but Vince laughed about it. He said he didn’t remember the incident, and what’s one more beating out of the many beatings he received? I don’t think it’s true though. Whether or not he remembers that particular incident, he now knows that I’m sorry, that someone else knew about the whippings, that someone else cares. It’s never too late to say you’re sorry. It won’t change past events, but it might help us look at the past with different eyes.

In the olden days, before selling indulgences to heaven or Martin Luther, confessions used to be given in the full light of the Sunday congregation at church. There was no hiding. If you sinned, you had to tell all of your friends and family what you had done. That’s real repentance. No hiding in a dark closet to confess your secrets to a priest with a chain of prayers for penance. Kneeling in the dark by the side of your bed didn’t count either. In the olden days, the people sinned against had some justice.

Solstice (December 21) is a traditional time of contemplation, letting go, forgiveness, and hopes for the future. The darkest days of winter lengthen into light, and we can let go of things that hold us back. If we can help lighten someone else’s load, even better.

My computer hates me again today, so I’m keeping things simple on visuals today. I think the bobber looks a lot like a Christmas ornament though, so let’s say I’m keeping things seasonal :)

23 comments:

  1. I really enjoyed the thoughtful way you combined your illustration with story telling.

    Lovely illustration of the bobber--and yes, it does look Christmas-y! What a great read the story was, too.

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  2. what a great read that was! It's weird how, as a kid, one would do so many bad things even when it was so obviously wrong. oh well, as long as it was only the once - for each incident ;) lol, it does look like a bauble, lovely!

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  3. Well, I hope your computer loves you again soon. My laptop is hating me a little these days too. It's just little things like printing problems and such. They are never easy to solve like normal computer issues; it's always something deep and complicated with this machine and it does it to me at least once a year. I will end up with a mish-mash of symptoms that seemingly have no connection... ah well... I usually just drive the guys at Dani web insane with my issues. I have a tenacity for punishment by computer, delving deeper and deeper into the poor machines troubles for weeks on end. I have difficulty giving up, but last time I finally ended up wiping the hard drive. Argghhh, such a pain.

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  4. Your posts are like Häagen-Dazs on a hot day. Refreshing, flavorful and a pure treat! Thanks Linda!

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  5. I aspire to Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia :) My computer problems are the same ongoing issues, but my computer paramedic has been very busy this month and I don't want to pester him. Maybe the wish for world peace should include peace with our computers too?

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  6. What a story Linda, I am sure your penance has been exhausted by now and I was glad to see you met up with "Vince" who could not even remember the incident! You computer is really not behaving with festive spirit but I am glad to see a bauble shining here...even if it is a float really!
    Jane x

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  7. ...yes! ...A very Christmas-y bobber!! Good luck with your computer!

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  8. Funny, I didn't think about how my "sink" was actually a "float"! Sometimes accidental funnies are funnier than the intentionals :) Thanks!

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  9. Heisann!

    Particular crimes or sins we did as kids, we never forget.
    I also have one on my conscience, but I think I've never asked my father for forgiveness. Now it's too late, unfortunately.
    Merry Christmas to you ;:OD)

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  10. Thanks for sharing this very personal experience, which has something to teach us all Yes, it's never too late for a sorry and forgiveness. Definitely time to let go.

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  11. Your posts are always moving and authentic. I love coming here and reading them. I think things would be a lot different if we had to confessed to individuals our shortcomings or go to the wronged party and ask their forgiveness. I think it would make for a very different world, and I'm game! :)

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  12. Hi Linda, just "bobbing" along to wish you a Merry Christmas! I enjoyed reading your most recent posts, though I must confess that I've been lax in leaving comments lately... Sending all the guilt down the river, for now- And I hope Santa brings you a new computer! :o)

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  13. Yes, your bobber with the green background is very Christmasy.

    And what another great narrative to complement the illustration! I'm glad that you at least fessed up to "Vince" to help lighten your load of guilt and shame... and that Vince was drunk and happy at the time.

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  14. Thanks everybody! I love getting comments. It's like Christmas every week :) And yes, it probably a good thing "Vince" was drunk when I confessed, but maybe I wouldn't have opened up if I hadn't been drinking too. Score a point for alcohol. Maybe I should drink more often?

    Thanks for the follow Andree!!

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  15. Hello Linda, oh dear, you have the gift of writing, of sucking us, of making us care, and, above all, making us see.

    You don't need images with your writing, your writing 'says' it all.

    It must have been a poignant moment to find your dad's rod. And a cathartic moment to finally get the 'sin' off your chest.

    Who needs confession when we have alcohol, eh? But seriosly, imagine standing up in front of the whole church and saying "Gee, I've been having it off with so and so's mother in law's sisters boyfriend' and then finding them all nodding their heads and saying "Yeah? Tell us something we don't know..."

    :) Have a wonderous Christmas and holiday and things and thanks so much for being so supportive this year and for your kind and inciteful --- err I mean insightful :) comments and crits. I'm so g lad to have found your blog.

    hugs from here :)

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  16. err make that 'sucking us in'... one day I am really going to foot my put in mouth...

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  17. hmm you ever notice that the 'l' key and the 'k' key are right next to each other, there are some words that I use often, that would not stand having the 'l' subsituted for a'k'. It would not be 'wonderful'....

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  18. LOL Andrew! You always crack me up :D I'm glad I found you this year too. I never knew blogging was going to be so much fun. I bet some people would bore everyone else silly confessing to stupid things, and the people with real sins would keep them to themselves? I find it interesting to contemplate. I hope you have a wondrous holiday and a plentiful new year too! That goes for everybody! Thanks!

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  19. At first I thought you were going to say you caught a big fish and your Dad turned out to be proud. Then the story took an unfortunate turn. That poor fishing rod sitting in its watery grave.

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  20. It's probably in a landfill actually. I kind of felt like I should bury it with a full funeral service though :) Thanks Sharon!

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  21. Hi, Linda, just visiting to enjoy your post and wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
    Cheers, Paula

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  22. Thanks Karen! Merry Christmas to you too!

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